Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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