just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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