i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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