white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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