phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Holy shit dude........stairs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
