I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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