i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
