Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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