Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
