I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
