Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
