i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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