I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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