It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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