Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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