also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
