Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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