So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
