My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
