girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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