He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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