if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
