I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
