I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
