i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
