Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
