i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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