I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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