She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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