Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
