If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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