my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
