i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
