My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
