Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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