She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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