So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
