accomplished twins. life is a go
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
