i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
