I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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