What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i need an iv and a liver transplant
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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