Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
