Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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