good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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