Just fell off a train. Bad.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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