I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
