i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
