i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
