i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize