fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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