I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
