She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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