Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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