last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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