I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
