Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
