Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
