this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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