My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
