What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
