I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So much Jack, so little girl.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
