I'm pants shitting drunk right now
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
