So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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