Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
