I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Pants are for mortals
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
