I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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