Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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